Those Jovial Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Pt. 1

Those Jovial Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Pt. 1

 The wind blows gently across the dry shale on the plain. Jutting in the distance, the cliffs give a stony definition to the walls of the valley. The predawn sky is clear and beautiful with billowed clouds that are slowly filling with shades of orange, red and purple. Along the valley's floor, among the sparse tumbleweeds and rocks The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse meet at 6:37am...every Saturday.

"War" sits atop his red horse looking in the direction of the coming dawn, waiting patiently. While he sits, another rider approaches, he is "Pestilence".

"Pestilence" comes along the right side of "War". When his white horse settles he extends, in offering, a box of Good and Plenty candies.

Pestilence

(shaking the 'Good and Plenty' in a happy way)

Good and Plenty?

War

Wha? No...why, why the fu--why do you do that?

Pestilence

(pouring some candy into his hand)

Why do I do what? 

What are you talking about?

War

The--what you did with the uh...the--dammit!

You do retarded shit, ALL the time...I mean, ALL the time!

Pestilence

Like what? Offer you a tasty candy, don't know why I did that, you know...maybe

being courteous, you know...being NICE possibly? Why are you so

pissy when we meet up, huh? That's uh...that's a better one.

War

Wife gives me shit EVERY morning.

Pestilence

Ah, yeah, yeah, SEE, see...that's why I didn't marry.

War

No, no, YOU didn't marry because no woman 

wants to marry a man that spreads disease 

heh heh...THAT'S why you didn't get married.

Pestilence

Yeah, you keep thinking that and

I'll keep in mind that I'm not a suckered bitch!

War

You're such a cock.

Pestilence

Hey, hey, heyheyhey, don't get all pissed because--

Their conversation is interrupted as another rider, "Famine" on a black horse, carrying a 'Burger King Big Kids Meal' comes up along side of them.

Famine

(greeting the other riders while opening the bag)

Gentlemen.

Pestilence

(looks at Famine and what he's holding)

What's that?

Famine

(about to put fries in his mouth)

Burger King Kids Meal

(he starts eating)

Pestilence

Well, I hope you brought enough for every body?

Famine

(with his mouth full)

Whuf der fuh mmm fuhn fah--

War

Don't, don't do that please, that's disgusting

you're spitting that shit everywhere.

Famine

(finishes chewing and swallows)

Sorry. Bring enough for everybody?!

I'm FAMINE, not "Feed the fucking

Children".

Pestilence in sarcastic awe

War

Alright, alright, let's do this?

(War tightens his grip on the reigns

 of his horse as he prepares to ride)

Pestilence

(turning to war)

WHAHOHOA...Who put you in charge of this?

War

Oh please, stop it, you

know that's not what I meant.

Famine

(between bites)

First off, I'm not doing a GODDAMN thing

till I'm finished eating.

Second, we're still short a guy.

Pestilence

(Pestilence looks around the group)

Oh yeah. Where the hell is he?

Haha...yeah, I bet he's drunk again.

Famine

(tosses the crumpled bag filled

with trash over his shoulder)

I'll take that bet.

Pestilence

Five on it?

Famine

Five? You still owe me five from the LAST time.

Pestilence

Double or nothing?

Famine

FINE, I'm probably gonna end up with

less double and more nothing, like LAST time.

Pestilence

Hahaha...HELL yeah!

Daddies getting money for the disco!

Death arrives on his sickly pale horse

Death

(Greeting the other horsemen)

Fellas.

War

Drunk again?

Death

Pfffff...hung over.

Pestilence

(TO FAMINE)

Haha! PAY UP BITCH!

Famine

That doesn't count!

Pestilence

That's bullshit!

War

(TO DEATH)

Why are you ALWAYS late?

WE are here at six thirty seven give or take a few seconds,

it's six forty and here you are.

Death

Well, the hung over thing for one...second, I come last.

Famine

What?

Death

You know, the order thing. Death comes last.

Pestilence

Yeah, that may be true in the whole thing,

but THIS THING starts at six thirty seven.

Death

Who came up with that anyway, huh?

I don't remember agreeing to that,

HELL, we didn't even vote.

War

It's more of an unspoken, non-discussed...uh...thing isn't it?

I mean, dawn...six thirty seven is usually dawn, so,

that's the time.

Famine

I'm gonna chime in here and say, why dawn anyway?

I mean people are gonna die, suffer, starve et cetera--

does it really matter what time the, uh, the disaster and carnage starts?

It's more the quality if anything. 

No one is going care once their limbs are on fire and all the screaming starts. 

War

Look, it's FAR more official when coupled

with a celestial event, i.e. dawn.

You want to make it look good, DAMNIT!

It's a statement to all of mankind that this is the dawn of their demise--

WHY IS THIS ALWAYS BROUGHT UP?!

Pestilence

Hey, calm down there...we're just saying. Could be anytime, is all.

War

So, when then, huh? What time? When is a good time to end the world, huh? Dinner time? 

Goddamn brunch? 

Maybe, AFTER WE GIVE EVERYONE A BACK RUB AND 

A BED TIME STORY! MAYBE then, 

THEN WE CAN BRING ABOUT THE HELL FIRE AND RUINATION OF

 EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING?

War stares at his counterparts huffing with clenched teeth and fists...waiting for a response. 

Silence rules the air.

All the rest

(MIXED RESPONSES)

Dawn's fine with me.

Dawn, yeah.

Dawn sounds right.

War

(SIGHS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD)

You sonsahbitches piss me off, you know that.

Pestilence

Well, that probably doesn't take much you being your poorly repressed rage, 

high blood pressure and what I'm assuming are some poorly dealt with Mommy issues.

War

Blow me.

Pestilence

Yeah, sure, okay, but, uh...so you know, afterward, you'd definitely walk away with a

disease. I'll let you pick your poison.

Famine

Ouch.

Death

Well, look, it's way to late to do this today isn't it?

We've spent all this time, debating and such...

so, uh...so, how about same time...next Saturday?

War

Wait. What? No, no, no dammit. We're doing this today! TODAY!

Death

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Wasn't it you who said this should coincide with a celestial 

event of some sort?--

War

Well, yes, but--

Death

And wasn't it you who vehemently argued against doing it at another time?

War

No, well, yeah, but,--

Death

The sun has risen, dawn is done. If we do this now, it'll just be...not as special. All the people, 

burning and writhing in agony will think, "Hm, I wonder why they didn't start at dawn?". 

Then, word will get around, among the burning husks of cities and terrified denizens thereof 

that the four horsemen of the apocalypse are a bunch of douche bags who are going their job

 in a half-assed manner. Do you want to be the one to ride around the 

terrified bloodstained mounds of screaming people, apologizing that we didn't

do it at dawn, due to selfish impatience? I'm not doing it.

War

No, but, it...it...it's not the--GOD DAMMIT! Dammit, dammit!

Death

So, next Saturday?

Pestilence

Sounds good.

Famine

Yeah, I just ate anyway, wouldn't want to throw up. Oh, what time next

Saturday? I have a massage scheduled and I really want the happy

ending.

Death

Like, Six thirty-seven?

Famine

Right. Sounds good.

Pestilence

Absolutely.

War

(smoldering)

Bunch...of fucking...assholes.

Death

It's agreed then, next Saturday, six thirty-seven

...we start the end of days.

War

Assholes. Complete and total assholes.

The riders then disperse back from whence they came to meet again...next week...on Saturday...at six thirty-seven a.m.