Those Jovial Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Pt. 1

Those Jovial Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Pt. 1

 The wind blows gently across the dry shale on the plain. Jutting in the distance, the cliffs give a stony definition to the walls of the valley. The predawn sky is clear and beautiful with billowed clouds that are slowly filling with shades of orange, red and purple. Along the valley's floor, among the sparse tumbleweeds and rocks The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse meet at 6:37am...every Saturday.

"War" sits atop his red horse looking in the direction of the coming dawn, waiting patiently. While he sits, another rider approaches, he is "Pestilence".

"Pestilence" comes along the right side of "War". When his white horse settles he extends, in offering, a box of Good and Plenty candies.

Pestilence

(shaking the 'Good and Plenty' in a happy way)

Good and Plenty?

War

Wha? No...why, why the fu--why do you do that?

Pestilence

(pouring some candy into his hand)

Why do I do what? 

What are you talking about?

War

The--what you did with the uh...the--dammit!

You do retarded shit, ALL the time...I mean, ALL the time!

Pestilence

Like what? Offer you a tasty candy, don't know why I did that, you know...maybe

being courteous, you know...being NICE possibly? Why are you so

pissy when we meet up, huh? That's uh...that's a better one.

War

Wife gives me shit EVERY morning.

Pestilence

Ah, yeah, yeah, SEE, see...that's why I didn't marry.

War

No, no, YOU didn't marry because no woman 

wants to marry a man that spreads disease 

heh heh...THAT'S why you didn't get married.

Pestilence

Yeah, you keep thinking that and

I'll keep in mind that I'm not a suckered bitch!

War

You're such a cock.

Pestilence

Hey, hey, heyheyhey, don't get all pissed because--

Their conversation is interrupted as another rider, "Famine" on a black horse, carrying a 'Burger King Big Kids Meal' comes up along side of them.

Famine

(greeting the other riders while opening the bag)

Gentlemen.

Pestilence

(looks at Famine and what he's holding)

What's that?

Famine

(about to put fries in his mouth)

Burger King Kids Meal

(he starts eating)

Pestilence

Well, I hope you brought enough for every body?

Famine

(with his mouth full)

Whuf der fuh mmm fuhn fah--

War

Don't, don't do that please, that's disgusting

you're spitting that shit everywhere.

Famine

(finishes chewing and swallows)

Sorry. Bring enough for everybody?!

I'm FAMINE, not "Feed the fucking

Children".

Pestilence in sarcastic awe

War

Alright, alright, let's do this?

(War tightens his grip on the reigns

 of his horse as he prepares to ride)

Pestilence

(turning to war)

WHAHOHOA...Who put you in charge of this?

War

Oh please, stop it, you

know that's not what I meant.

Famine

(between bites)

First off, I'm not doing a GODDAMN thing

till I'm finished eating.

Second, we're still short a guy.

Pestilence

(Pestilence looks around the group)

Oh yeah. Where the hell is he?

Haha...yeah, I bet he's drunk again.

Famine

(tosses the crumpled bag filled

with trash over his shoulder)

I'll take that bet.

Pestilence

Five on it?

Famine

Five? You still owe me five from the LAST time.

Pestilence

Double or nothing?

Famine

FINE, I'm probably gonna end up with

less double and more nothing, like LAST time.

Pestilence

Hahaha...HELL yeah!

Daddies getting money for the disco!

Death arrives on his sickly pale horse

Death

(Greeting the other horsemen)

Fellas.

War

Drunk again?

Death

Pfffff...hung over.

Pestilence

(TO FAMINE)

Haha! PAY UP BITCH!

Famine

That doesn't count!

Pestilence

That's bullshit!

War

(TO DEATH)

Why are you ALWAYS late?

WE are here at six thirty seven give or take a few seconds,

it's six forty and here you are.

Death

Well, the hung over thing for one...second, I come last.

Famine

What?

Death

You know, the order thing. Death comes last.

Pestilence

Yeah, that may be true in the whole thing,

but THIS THING starts at six thirty seven.

Death

Who came up with that anyway, huh?

I don't remember agreeing to that,

HELL, we didn't even vote.

War

It's more of an unspoken, non-discussed...uh...thing isn't it?

I mean, dawn...six thirty seven is usually dawn, so,

that's the time.

Famine

I'm gonna chime in here and say, why dawn anyway?

I mean people are gonna die, suffer, starve et cetera--

does it really matter what time the, uh, the disaster and carnage starts?

It's more the quality if anything. 

No one is going care once their limbs are on fire and all the screaming starts. 

War

Look, it's FAR more official when coupled

with a celestial event, i.e. dawn.

You want to make it look good, DAMNIT!

It's a statement to all of mankind that this is the dawn of their demise--

WHY IS THIS ALWAYS BROUGHT UP?!

Pestilence

Hey, calm down there...we're just saying. Could be anytime, is all.

War

So, when then, huh? What time? When is a good time to end the world, huh? Dinner time? 

Goddamn brunch? 

Maybe, AFTER WE GIVE EVERYONE A BACK RUB AND 

A BED TIME STORY! MAYBE then, 

THEN WE CAN BRING ABOUT THE HELL FIRE AND RUINATION OF

 EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING?

War stares at his counterparts huffing with clenched teeth and fists...waiting for a response. 

Silence rules the air.

All the rest

(MIXED RESPONSES)

Dawn's fine with me.

Dawn, yeah.

Dawn sounds right.

War

(SIGHS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD)

You sonsahbitches piss me off, you know that.

Pestilence

Well, that probably doesn't take much you being your poorly repressed rage, 

high blood pressure and what I'm assuming are some poorly dealt with Mommy issues.

War

Blow me.

Pestilence

Yeah, sure, okay, but, uh...so you know, afterward, you'd definitely walk away with a

disease. I'll let you pick your poison.

Famine

Ouch.

Death

Well, look, it's way to late to do this today isn't it?

We've spent all this time, debating and such...

so, uh...so, how about same time...next Saturday?

War

Wait. What? No, no, no dammit. We're doing this today! TODAY!

Death

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. Wasn't it you who said this should coincide with a celestial 

event of some sort?--

War

Well, yes, but--

Death

And wasn't it you who vehemently argued against doing it at another time?

War

No, well, yeah, but,--

Death

The sun has risen, dawn is done. If we do this now, it'll just be...not as special. All the people, 

burning and writhing in agony will think, "Hm, I wonder why they didn't start at dawn?". 

Then, word will get around, among the burning husks of cities and terrified denizens thereof 

that the four horsemen of the apocalypse are a bunch of douche bags who are going their job

 in a half-assed manner. Do you want to be the one to ride around the 

terrified bloodstained mounds of screaming people, apologizing that we didn't

do it at dawn, due to selfish impatience? I'm not doing it.

War

No, but, it...it...it's not the--GOD DAMMIT! Dammit, dammit!

Death

So, next Saturday?

Pestilence

Sounds good.

Famine

Yeah, I just ate anyway, wouldn't want to throw up. Oh, what time next

Saturday? I have a massage scheduled and I really want the happy

ending.

Death

Like, Six thirty-seven?

Famine

Right. Sounds good.

Pestilence

Absolutely.

War

(smoldering)

Bunch...of fucking...assholes.

Death

It's agreed then, next Saturday, six thirty-seven

...we start the end of days.

War

Assholes. Complete and total assholes.

The riders then disperse back from whence they came to meet again...next week...on Saturday...at six thirty-seven a.m.

Those Jovial Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Pt.17

      The wind blows gently across the dry shale plain. The cliffs jut hard in the distance, giving a stony definition to the walls of the valley.The sky, crisp, blue and beautiful with billowy clouds. Along the valley floor, among the sparse, dried tumbleweeds and rocks The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse meet at 6:37am...every Saturday.

      Crepuscular rays, are the proper name for sunbeams. Rays that filter through the clouds and dance across the land. The beautiful display of crepuscular rays reveal to all who look upon them...that...maybe, a god exists. A god with a capacity for love that is so immense, so great--that no misdeed will make them unworthy of it. Something as beautiful as crepuscular rays could only be created by such a god. A beautiful, merciful god.

      However, that god seems far away from here and far away from this place, for those beautiful crepuscular rays, blazing from the heavens, shine across the face of a land scarred by destruction. Turmoil and violence beyond all possible measure rule here. Cities burn, asphalt cracks, the chaos is exquisite. Lives torn to shreds in answer to caveats that went unheeded. 

      The Horseman called War smiles as these thoughts flow through his mind. Along with the first crepuscular rays that shine upon the face of man today, War will deliver battles that cripple mankind, drowning it in it's own blood. That lies in wait however because the other horsemen BASTARDS need to show up.

War, sitting atop his horse, steadies himself against the rising tide of his anger. He's fuming. The time is upon them. The world WILL end today. He shifts his vexed gaze to the north and sees no one. He studies the horizon intensely.

WAR

(to himself)

Where the fuck are they?

From the opposite direction Famine quietly trots his horse up alongside War's steed.

FAMINE

DROPPIN DEM BOMBS BITCH!

War spins upon his saddle to find Famine smiling.

WAR

What the hell is wrong with you?

FAMINE

Wasn't breast fed as a baby, I guess. It's hard to tell these days.

[War looks over Famine with both confusion and shock.]

WAR

(indicating Famine's horse)

What the hell is this?

[Famine's horse is draped in t-shirts with various slogans and logos. Many of them have price tags on them.]

FAMINE

What's what?

WAR

What is that, that shit all over your horse?!

Did you ride through a fucking souvenir shop before coming here?

FAMINE

Oooohhhh, this shit.

They're what is commonly referred to as a "t-shirt", fuck stick.

They are worn by people who want to dress better than you.



WAR

(looking at Famine)

Every sentence EVERY WORD...

(huff)

...just another reason to stab your eyes out.

Now, what the fuck is that shit doing

 all over your goddamn horse, shit head?



FAMINE

My being the more congenial fellow,

I'm going to let your horrid expletives and gibes slide.

For I am cut from a far more decent variety of cloth

 than your, impish assholery would understand.

Now, to address your inquiry...fuck hole, they are

a small part of a business opportunity which fell into my lap...per say.

I am merely taking advantage of it, that I might profit

 and lead a far more opulent lifestyle than current

as opposed to what a functionally retarded peasant like yourself must endure.



WAR

(staring at Famine)

What the hell are you talking about?



FAMINE:

Too many words for you? Let me slow it down for you.

(points at t-shirts and talks as though he has some form of mental disfunction)

Deez iz shurts.

Me am sellen dem fo' dee money, sonny.



WAR

No shit. Why are they on your horse now?



FAMINE

Pfff, and miss the biggest event EVER? Are you nuts?

There's going to be a million, gajillion people out there.

Those, my ill financed friend, are potential customers. NAY, consumers!



WAR

YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THEM DURING THE APOCALYPSE?!



FAMINE

No, the big fuckin' dildo party afterward...of course the apocalypse, dipshit.



WAR

Of all the fetuses that could have been aborted.

(sighs in frustration and looks at the shirts)

You're not selling t-shirts.

We're ending the world not setting up a stand at a swap meet.



FAMINE

Have you no respect for the C.R.E.A.M.?

I'm insane for the Benjamins, bitch! It's like those kids and Fruity Pebbles

 or uh...the other thing...with the bird.

[Just then, Pestilence, another horsemen rides up alongside of them.]

PESTILENCE

Fruit Loops?



FAMINE

No, the uh...the other



PESTILENCE

Coco Puffs?



FAMINE

YEEAAAHHHH!!! That shit.

[Pestilence looks over the shirts draped on Famine's horse.]

PESTILENCE

Were you raped by a yard sale?



FAMINE

Nooo. This is product.



PESTILENCE

Product for what?



FAMINE

For my own personal gain, sucka!

This is going to make me crazy rich!

(to Pestilence and War)

You have no vision.

Trump would understand.

TRUMP WOULD BE CLAPPING!



PESTILENCE

(referring to a shirt)

Does that say: "Got Food?"



FAMINE

Yeah, clever right?



PESTILENCE

It's kinda sick.

FAMINE

You're kinda sick.

PESTILENCE

That's my job.

WAR

You're not selling goddamn shirts!

FAMINE

There's no rule that says I can't.

[Death, the final horsemen, enters the conversation as he approaches.]

DEATH

Can't what?

FAMINE

Sell shirts at the end time.

DEATH

I don't see why not.

WAR

What the hell are you idiots saying?!

You can't sell shirts during the apocalypse!

PESTILENCE

Yeah, I'd have to agree with that. It looks bad.

FAMINE

Well, of course you would, you're a moron.

You'd agree that the sun is a basket of burning cocks

 if someone said it was.

PESTILENCE

Well, if there were some compelling evidence--



FAMINE

See! You non-entrepreneur's sicken me.

I expected as much.

No cash money empire is built without enduring

some hardship thrust on them by

weaker minded, poor, non cash having pricks!



WAR

Weaker minded! You're cashing in on the end of times!



PESTILENCE

And with bad slogans at that.

That one says, "Starving: It's what's NOT for dinner."



FAMINE

Fuck you and fuck you.

(sigh)

Look, it's not...you know...totally bad.

I planned to give some to charity.



PESTILENCE

Oh? Well, that's kind of good, maybe.

What charity?



FAMINE

"The Famine Charitable Trust For The Furtherment of Famine Like Needs"



WAR

That sounds...odd.



FAMINE


(showing them a can to be used for donations or payments)


It looks good on coffee cans. 


I got this kid to pose and everything. 


Doesn't he look pathetic?






PESTILENCE


Man, does he ever. 


Where'd you find him?






FAMINE


On some street. He was asking for food and such, so, I helped him out.






DEATH


Kind of ironic. Famine helping feed somebody.






FAMINE

Oh, I didn't feed him.

That would be fucked up. I have ethics! 


Nah, I gave him some Jello. No nutritional value.






DEATH


Way to skirt that hypocrisy.






FAMINE


How would I sleep at night knowing I helped a kid NOT to starve?






WAR


What the hell would a charity help AFTER the world ends?






FAMINE

It's an exclusive charity...for individuals

in unfortunate positions, who have a low income.

It helps said individuals buy...cool shit...

like...amongst other things...sex.



WAR


Like Make A Wish.






FAMINE


Yeeeaaahhh...kind of.






WAR


But, YOUR wish. For more sex.






PESTILENCE


Aw, now it's wrong again.






WAR


You're not selling shirts.






FAMINE


I am!






DEATH


Oh, let him sell the shirts.






FAMINE


Yes! Finally, a voice of reason.






DEATH


Let him sell them. 


It's not like he'll make any money with them anyway.

Famine's face is awash in shock.

FAMINE

How the fuck do you figure that?

DEATH

Think about it. 


What's going to happen when this shit goes down? 


There's going to be chaos, people 


running through the streets, maiming, fires, murders, mayhem and


...wait for it...looting.






PESTILENCE


And diarrhea.

The other three Horsemen turn to look at Pestilence.

PESTILENCE

Lots of diarrhea.






DEATH


Soooo, all those poor--


(glancing at Pestilence) 


--diarrhea having bastards, 


who would be in the market for the wares... 


are going to be getting their own, 


which I'm sure will be a much better quality 


and I can guarantee a much better price...free.






FAMINE


Yeah, but...






DEATH


Not only...will they be getting shit that is A: what they want, 


B: readily available depending on the speed the brick they hurl through a store window 


and C: said shit will be free.






PESTILENCE


Ouch.






DEATH

So, sell your shirts...or try to.

Worse comes to worse, you can use them to wipe away your many tears.

Tears shed over the sad waste of money draping your horse.



FAMINE


Motherfucker.






WAR


There. See. You're an idiot through and through. 


Now, dump that shit and let's end the fucking world.






FAMINE


I'd LOVE to do that but, uh...you don't understand. 


I rented out three shops...that are opening up in the valley this morning. 


All of them are selling this shit.






WAR


You degenerate fuckhead.






FAMINE


Hey, it seemed like a sound investment.


 Now that ball-licker over there turned me on to the ruination of store fronts 


I'm kinda fucked!






WAR


What does that have to do with any of this?






FAMINE


Well, nothing...really...






PESTILENCE

What does that mean?



FAMINE

It means...that maybe I advertised a little is all.



WAR

You've advertised the end of the world?!



DEATH

Awesome.



PESTILENCE

Well, great, how am I supposed to give people

disease and plague if they're all hiding?



WAR

What the shit!



FAMINE

Oh, come on, if you were business savvy

you'd see it was a smart move.



WAR

That "move" is moronic on all fronts.



FAMINE

Says the poor man.



WAR

You have to stop those advertisements.

Take them down!



FAMINE

Yeah, here's the thing. I hired some..."foriegn help"...

and being that the last time I really, REALLy hit up ol' Mexico

was when the Mayan's were in full swing,

it's going to be hard to get that across.



DEATH

No, wait, we hit up T.J. that time and you spoke Spanish just fine.



FAMINE

Sure, if I want to order a burrito and a beer.

I can even haggle a stereo on a good day, as for hookers,

they understand the international language of cold hard cash.

Look, when you're in the starvation game, there's not a big need to communicate, it's pretty

 much...them, "Is there any food?, me, "Nada".



PESTILENCE

Ah, the quiet power of the language barrier.



WAR

Shit! SHIT!



FAMINE

Tell me about it. All that inventory down the drain.



WAR

FUCK YOUR INVENTORY!



DEATH

Fellas...I think I may have a solution.



WAR

Oh, great. I can't wait to hear this shit.



DEATH

Your enthusiasm is so contagious, it really is.

Listen. How about we postpone the apocalypse until next week.

That would instantly invaildate all of his advertising, it'll give him time to sell off or

whatever to whomever

... and next week, we'll be free and clear.



PESTILENCE

That's a solid plan. I can get a lot done.

I can hit up "Toothpick Fest".



DEATH

"Toothpick Fest"?



PESTILENCE


Yeah, it's a bunch of people that build things out of toothpicks. 


They get together, swap techniques, show off projects. 


I got this sweet toothpick holder from there that looks like Donald Duck , 


it's neat, I won it a raffle and...






WAR

ALRIGHT! Damnit! Next fucking WEEK!

GAHHHHHhhhdamnit--

(War looks at Famine)

I see a t-shirt anywhere near your ass I'll hang you with it!



FAMINE

Now, THAT should be on a shirt.

How's this, "This shirt is so awesome, you'll want to hang me with it?" Huh?

I can attribute the quote to you.

It'll read as "A quote from the great War, a great lover of ass to mouth. HIS ass to mouth."

 Nice, right?



WAR

(grumbles in frustration as he rides away)

Fucking assholes. ALL of you! ALL OF YOU!



DEATH

(to Famine)

Can I get one of those shirts?



FAMINE

Here. On the house.



DEATH

Great. My horse took a dump earlier and

I think there's still a few ass crack hangers on...

if you know what I mean.



FAMINE

Give me the fucking shirt back.



DEATH

Too late, btich!

(Death trots away)

Famine looks at the only remaining horsemen, Pestilence. He seems to be waiting for Famine.

FAMINE

What do you want?



PESTILENCE

Can I have one too?



FAMINE

A shirt?

You're not going to wipe your horses ass with it are you?



PESTILENCE

No, no. I was going to wear it to the Fest.



FAMINE

Oh, fine.



PESTILENCE

Can I have that one?

The "When the food's gone. EAT ME!"

one, with the glitter writing?



FAMINE

Whatever.

Famine hands it to him.

PESTILENCE

Great. I have been looking for a sample of what a shitty shirt looks like.

The guys at the Fest will get a kick out of this.



FAMINE

Fuck face.

The riders then disperse back from whence they came to meet again...next week...on Saturday...at six thirty-seven a.m.