The wind blows gently across the dry shale plain. The cliffs jut hard in the distance, giving a stony definition to the walls of the valley.The sky, crisp, blue and beautiful with billowy clouds. Along the valley floor, among the sparse, dried tumbleweeds and rocks The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse meet at 6:37am...every Saturday.
Crepuscular rays, are the proper name for sunbeams. Rays that filter through the clouds and dance across the land. The beautiful display of crepuscular rays reveal to all who look upon them...that...maybe, a god exists. A god with a capacity for love that is so immense, so great--that no misdeed will make them unworthy of it. Something as beautiful as crepuscular rays could only be created by such a god. A beautiful, merciful god.
However, that god seems far away from here and far away from this place, for those beautiful crepuscular rays, blazing from the heavens, shine across the face of a land scarred by destruction. Turmoil and violence beyond all possible measure rule here. Cities burn, asphalt cracks, the chaos is exquisite. Lives torn to shreds in answer to caveats that went unheeded.
The Horseman called War smiles as these thoughts flow through his mind. Along with the first crepuscular rays that shine upon the face of man today, War will deliver battles that cripple mankind, drowning it in it's own blood. That lies in wait however because the other horsemen BASTARDS need to show up.
War, sitting atop his horse, steadies himself against the rising tide of his anger. He's fuming. The time is upon them. The world WILL end today. He shifts his vexed gaze to the north and sees no one. He studies the horizon intensely.
WAR
(to himself)
Where the fuck are they?
From the opposite direction Famine quietly trots his horse up alongside War's steed.
FAMINE
DROPPIN DEM BOMBS BITCH!
War spins upon his saddle to find Famine smiling.
WAR
What the hell is wrong with you?
FAMINE
Wasn't breast fed as a baby, I guess. It's hard to tell these days.
[War looks over Famine with both confusion and shock.]
WAR
(indicating Famine's horse)
What the hell is this?
[Famine's horse is draped in t-shirts with various slogans and logos. Many of them have price tags on them.]
FAMINE
What's what?
WAR
What is that, that shit all over your horse?!
Did you ride through a fucking souvenir shop before coming here?
FAMINE
Oooohhhh, this shit.
They're what is commonly referred to as a "t-shirt", fuck stick.
They are worn by people who want to dress better than you.
WAR
WAR
(looking at Famine)
Every sentence EVERY WORD...
(huff)
...just another reason to stab your eyes out.
Now, what the fuck is that shit doing
all over your goddamn horse, shit head?
FAMINE
all over your goddamn horse, shit head?
FAMINE
My being the more congenial fellow,
I'm going to let your horrid expletives and gibes slide.
For I am cut from a far more decent variety of cloth
than your, impish assholery would understand.
Now, to address your inquiry...fuck hole, they are
a small part of a business opportunity which fell into my lap...per say.
I am merely taking advantage of it, that I might profit
and lead a far more opulent lifestyle than current
as opposed to what a functionally retarded peasant like yourself must endure.
WAR
I'm going to let your horrid expletives and gibes slide.
For I am cut from a far more decent variety of cloth
than your, impish assholery would understand.
Now, to address your inquiry...fuck hole, they are
a small part of a business opportunity which fell into my lap...per say.
I am merely taking advantage of it, that I might profit
and lead a far more opulent lifestyle than current
as opposed to what a functionally retarded peasant like yourself must endure.
WAR
(staring at Famine)
What the hell are you talking about?
FAMINE:
FAMINE:
Too many words for you? Let me slow it down for you.
(points at t-shirts and talks as though he has some form of mental disfunction)
Deez iz shurts.
Me am sellen dem fo' dee money, sonny.
WAR
Me am sellen dem fo' dee money, sonny.
WAR
No shit. Why are they on your horse now?
FAMINE
FAMINE
Pfff, and miss the biggest event EVER? Are you nuts?
There's going to be a million, gajillion people out there.
Those, my ill financed friend, are potential customers. NAY, consumers!
WAR
WAR
YOU'RE GOING TO SELL THEM DURING THE APOCALYPSE?!
FAMINE
FAMINE
No, the big fuckin' dildo party afterward...of course the apocalypse, dipshit.
WAR
WAR
Of all the fetuses that could have been aborted.
(sighs in frustration and looks at the shirts)
You're not selling t-shirts.
We're ending the world not setting up a stand at a swap meet.
FAMINE
FAMINE
Have you no respect for the C.R.E.A.M.?
I'm insane for the Benjamins, bitch! It's like those kids and Fruity Pebbles
or uh...the other thing...with the bird.
I'm insane for the Benjamins, bitch! It's like those kids and Fruity Pebbles
or uh...the other thing...with the bird.
[Just then, Pestilence, another horsemen rides up alongside of them.]
PESTILENCE
Fruit Loops?
FAMINE
FAMINE
No, the uh...the other
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
Coco Puffs?
FAMINE
FAMINE
YEEAAAHHHH!!! That shit.
[Pestilence looks over the shirts draped on Famine's horse.]
PESTILENCE
Were you raped by a yard sale?
FAMINE
FAMINE
Nooo. This is product.
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
Product for what?
FAMINE
FAMINE
For my own personal gain, sucka!
This is going to make me crazy rich!
(to Pestilence and War)
You have no vision.
Trump would understand.
TRUMP WOULD BE CLAPPING!
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
(referring to a shirt)
Does that say: "Got Food?"
FAMINE
FAMINE
Yeah, clever right?
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
It's kinda sick.
FAMINE
You're kinda sick.
PESTILENCE
That's my job.
WAR
You're not selling goddamn shirts!
FAMINE
There's no rule that says I can't.
[Death, the final horsemen, enters the conversation as he approaches.]
DEATH
Can't what?
FAMINE
Sell shirts at the end time.
DEATH
I don't see why not.
WAR
What the hell are you idiots saying?!
You can't sell shirts during the apocalypse!
You can't sell shirts during the apocalypse!
PESTILENCE
Yeah, I'd have to agree with that. It looks bad.
FAMINE
Well, of course you would, you're a moron.
You'd agree that the sun is a basket of burning cocks
if someone said it was.
You'd agree that the sun is a basket of burning cocks
if someone said it was.
PESTILENCE
Well, if there were some compelling evidence--
FAMINE
FAMINE
See! You non-entrepreneur's sicken me.
I expected as much.
No cash money empire is built without enduring
some hardship thrust on them by
weaker minded, poor, non cash having pricks!
WAR
I expected as much.
No cash money empire is built without enduring
some hardship thrust on them by
weaker minded, poor, non cash having pricks!
WAR
Weaker minded! You're cashing in on the end of times!
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
And with bad slogans at that.
That one says, "Starving: It's what's NOT for dinner."
FAMINE
That one says, "Starving: It's what's NOT for dinner."
FAMINE
Fuck you and fuck you.
(sigh)
Look, it's not...you know...totally bad.
I planned to give some to charity.
PESTILENCE
(sigh)
Look, it's not...you know...totally bad.
I planned to give some to charity.
PESTILENCE
Oh? Well, that's kind of good, maybe.
What charity?
FAMINE
What charity?
FAMINE
"The Famine Charitable Trust For The Furtherment of Famine Like Needs"
WAR
WAR
That sounds...odd.
FAMINE
(showing them a can to be used for donations or payments)
It looks good on coffee cans.
I got this kid to pose and everything.
Doesn't he look pathetic?
PESTILENCE
Man, does he ever.
Where'd you find him?
FAMINE
On some street. He was asking for food and such, so, I helped him out.
DEATH
Kind of ironic. Famine helping feed somebody.
FAMINE
FAMINE
(showing them a can to be used for donations or payments)
It looks good on coffee cans.
I got this kid to pose and everything.
Doesn't he look pathetic?
PESTILENCE
Man, does he ever.
Where'd you find him?
FAMINE
On some street. He was asking for food and such, so, I helped him out.
DEATH
Kind of ironic. Famine helping feed somebody.
FAMINE
Oh, I didn't feed him.
That would be fucked up. I have ethics!
Nah, I gave him some Jello. No nutritional value.
DEATH
Way to skirt that hypocrisy.
FAMINE
How would I sleep at night knowing I helped a kid NOT to starve?
WAR
What the hell would a charity help AFTER the world ends?
FAMINE
That would be fucked up. I have ethics!
Nah, I gave him some Jello. No nutritional value.
DEATH
Way to skirt that hypocrisy.
FAMINE
How would I sleep at night knowing I helped a kid NOT to starve?
WAR
What the hell would a charity help AFTER the world ends?
FAMINE
It's an exclusive charity...for individuals
in unfortunate positions, who have a low income.
It helps said individuals buy...cool shit...
like...amongst other things...sex.
WAR
Like Make A Wish.
FAMINE
Yeeeaaahhh...kind of.
WAR
But, YOUR wish. For more sex.
PESTILENCE
Aw, now it's wrong again.
WAR
You're not selling shirts.
FAMINE
I am!
DEATH
Oh, let him sell the shirts.
FAMINE
Yes! Finally, a voice of reason.
DEATH
Let him sell them.
It's not like he'll make any money with them anyway.
in unfortunate positions, who have a low income.
It helps said individuals buy...cool shit...
like...amongst other things...sex.
WAR
Like Make A Wish.
FAMINE
Yeeeaaahhh...kind of.
WAR
But, YOUR wish. For more sex.
PESTILENCE
Aw, now it's wrong again.
WAR
You're not selling shirts.
FAMINE
I am!
DEATH
Oh, let him sell the shirts.
FAMINE
Yes! Finally, a voice of reason.
DEATH
Let him sell them.
It's not like he'll make any money with them anyway.
Famine's face is awash in shock.
FAMINE
How the fuck do you figure that?
How the fuck do you figure that?
DEATH
Think about it.
What's going to happen when this shit goes down?
There's going to be chaos, people
running through the streets, maiming, fires, murders, mayhem and
...wait for it...looting.
PESTILENCE
And diarrhea.
Think about it.
What's going to happen when this shit goes down?
There's going to be chaos, people
running through the streets, maiming, fires, murders, mayhem and
...wait for it...looting.
PESTILENCE
And diarrhea.
The other three Horsemen turn to look at Pestilence.
PESTILENCE
Lots of diarrhea.
DEATH
Soooo, all those poor--
(glancing at Pestilence)
--diarrhea having bastards,
who would be in the market for the wares...
are going to be getting their own,
which I'm sure will be a much better quality
and I can guarantee a much better price...free.
FAMINE
Yeah, but...
DEATH
Not only...will they be getting shit that is A: what they want,
B: readily available depending on the speed the brick they hurl through a store window
and C: said shit will be free.
PESTILENCE
Ouch.
DEATH
Lots of diarrhea.
DEATH
Soooo, all those poor--
(glancing at Pestilence)
--diarrhea having bastards,
who would be in the market for the wares...
are going to be getting their own,
which I'm sure will be a much better quality
and I can guarantee a much better price...free.
FAMINE
Yeah, but...
DEATH
Not only...will they be getting shit that is A: what they want,
B: readily available depending on the speed the brick they hurl through a store window
and C: said shit will be free.
PESTILENCE
Ouch.
DEATH
So, sell your shirts...or try to.
Worse comes to worse, you can use them to wipe away your many tears.
Tears shed over the sad waste of money draping your horse.
FAMINE
Motherfucker.
WAR
There. See. You're an idiot through and through.
Now, dump that shit and let's end the fucking world.
FAMINE
I'd LOVE to do that but, uh...you don't understand.
I rented out three shops...that are opening up in the valley this morning.
All of them are selling this shit.
WAR
You degenerate fuckhead.
FAMINE
Hey, it seemed like a sound investment.
Now that ball-licker over there turned me on to the ruination of store fronts
I'm kinda fucked!
WAR
What does that have to do with any of this?
FAMINE
Well, nothing...really...
PESTILENCE
Worse comes to worse, you can use them to wipe away your many tears.
Tears shed over the sad waste of money draping your horse.
FAMINE
Motherfucker.
WAR
There. See. You're an idiot through and through.
Now, dump that shit and let's end the fucking world.
FAMINE
I'd LOVE to do that but, uh...you don't understand.
I rented out three shops...that are opening up in the valley this morning.
All of them are selling this shit.
WAR
You degenerate fuckhead.
FAMINE
Hey, it seemed like a sound investment.
Now that ball-licker over there turned me on to the ruination of store fronts
I'm kinda fucked!
WAR
What does that have to do with any of this?
FAMINE
Well, nothing...really...
PESTILENCE
What does that mean?
FAMINE
FAMINE
It means...that maybe I advertised a little is all.
WAR
WAR
You've advertised the end of the world?!
DEATH
DEATH
Awesome.
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
Well, great, how am I supposed to give people
disease and plague if they're all hiding?
WAR
WAR
What the shit!
FAMINE
FAMINE
Oh, come on, if you were business savvy
you'd see it was a smart move.
WAR
WAR
That "move" is moronic on all fronts.
FAMINE
FAMINE
Says the poor man.
WAR
WAR
You have to stop those advertisements.
Take them down!
FAMINE
FAMINE
Yeah, here's the thing. I hired some..."foriegn help"...
and being that the last time I really, REALLy hit up ol' Mexico
was when the Mayan's were in full swing,
it's going to be hard to get that across.
DEATH
and being that the last time I really, REALLy hit up ol' Mexico
was when the Mayan's were in full swing,
it's going to be hard to get that across.
DEATH
No, wait, we hit up T.J. that time and you spoke Spanish just fine.
FAMINE
FAMINE
Sure, if I want to order a burrito and a beer.
I can even haggle a stereo on a good day, as for hookers,
they understand the international language of cold hard cash.
Look, when you're in the starvation game, there's not a big need to communicate, it's pretty
much...them, "Is there any food?, me, "Nada".
PESTILENCE
I can even haggle a stereo on a good day, as for hookers,
they understand the international language of cold hard cash.
Look, when you're in the starvation game, there's not a big need to communicate, it's pretty
much...them, "Is there any food?, me, "Nada".
PESTILENCE
Ah, the quiet power of the language barrier.
WAR
WAR
Shit! SHIT!
FAMINE
FAMINE
Tell me about it. All that inventory down the drain.
WAR
WAR
FUCK YOUR INVENTORY!
DEATH
DEATH
Fellas...I think I may have a solution.
WAR
WAR
Oh, great. I can't wait to hear this shit.
DEATH
DEATH
Your enthusiasm is so contagious, it really is.
Listen. How about we postpone the apocalypse until next week.
That would instantly invaildate all of his advertising, it'll give him time to sell off or
whatever to whomever
... and next week, we'll be free and clear.
PESTILENCE
Listen. How about we postpone the apocalypse until next week.
That would instantly invaildate all of his advertising, it'll give him time to sell off or
whatever to whomever
... and next week, we'll be free and clear.
PESTILENCE
That's a solid plan. I can get a lot done.
I can hit up "Toothpick Fest".
DEATH
I can hit up "Toothpick Fest".
DEATH
"Toothpick Fest"?
PESTILENCE
Yeah, it's a bunch of people that build things out of toothpicks.
They get together, swap techniques, show off projects.
I got this sweet toothpick holder from there that looks like Donald Duck ,
it's neat, I won it a raffle and...
WAR
PESTILENCE
Yeah, it's a bunch of people that build things out of toothpicks.
They get together, swap techniques, show off projects.
I got this sweet toothpick holder from there that looks like Donald Duck ,
it's neat, I won it a raffle and...
WAR
ALRIGHT! Damnit! Next fucking WEEK!
GAHHHHHhhhdamnit--
GAHHHHHhhhdamnit--
(War looks at Famine)
I see a t-shirt anywhere near your ass I'll hang you with it!
FAMINE
FAMINE
Now, THAT should be on a shirt.
How's this, "This shirt is so awesome, you'll want to hang me with it?" Huh?
I can attribute the quote to you.
It'll read as "A quote from the great War, a great lover of ass to mouth. HIS ass to mouth."
Nice, right?
WAR
How's this, "This shirt is so awesome, you'll want to hang me with it?" Huh?
I can attribute the quote to you.
It'll read as "A quote from the great War, a great lover of ass to mouth. HIS ass to mouth."
Nice, right?
WAR
(grumbles in frustration as he rides away)
Fucking assholes. ALL of you! ALL OF YOU!
DEATH
DEATH
(to Famine)
Can I get one of those shirts?
FAMINE
FAMINE
Here. On the house.
DEATH
DEATH
Great. My horse took a dump earlier and
I think there's still a few ass crack hangers on...
if you know what I mean.
FAMINE
I think there's still a few ass crack hangers on...
if you know what I mean.
FAMINE
Give me the fucking shirt back.
DEATH
DEATH
Too late, btich!
(Death trots away)
Famine looks at the only remaining horsemen, Pestilence. He seems to be waiting for Famine.
FAMINE
What do you want?
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
Can I have one too?
FAMINE
FAMINE
A shirt?
You're not going to wipe your horses ass with it are you?
PESTILENCE
You're not going to wipe your horses ass with it are you?
PESTILENCE
No, no. I was going to wear it to the Fest.
FAMINE
FAMINE
Oh, fine.
PESTILENCE
PESTILENCE
Can I have that one?
The "When the food's gone. EAT ME!"
one, with the glitter writing?
FAMINE
FAMINE
Whatever.
Famine hands it to him.
PESTILENCE
Great. I have been looking for a sample of what a shitty shirt looks like.
The guys at the Fest will get a kick out of this.
FAMINE
FAMINE
Fuck face.
The riders then disperse back from whence they came to meet again...next week...on Saturday...at six thirty-seven a.m.
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